Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream and I feel a little victimized. When I do have bad dreams, somebody in the dream is usually screwing me over in some way. (Usually not just screwing me, which is terribly unfortunate – I need more screwing dreams.) So then I wake up, and I feel angry, and then I have to ask myself, who am I really angry at? The person in my dream doesn’t even exist. It was all in my head. My own brain victimized me.
Next question then: Why would I victimize my self?
At that point, I remind myself that it was all made up, none of that actually happened, and I can either imagine the dream working out differently, with me on top, or I can just forget about it and go back to sleep.
Then in the morning, I wake up and go about the conscious part of my day. And this part of my day is often filled with little inconveniences and cut-offs and challenges that I don’t enjoy.
Then I’ll pick up a book about accountability and personal growth, and it says things like, “We all create our own circumstances from our consciousness. If we have positive thoughts, we will create positive circumstances. If we focus on the negative, then negative events will be manifested in our lives.” (That’s not an actual quote, just a paraphrase of different books.)
Next question then: Why would I victimize my Self? Why would my own brain screw me over?
I don’t know. Maybe because life is just a big game we’re playing, and it’s more fun to play it on the “difficult” setting rather than the “easy” setting? Because when circumstances or other people cause problems for us, we have excuses for not succeeding? Maybe so I don’t have to try harder?
Last night I had a dream that there was pizza left over in the conference room after someone’s lunch n learn. (This will be the high point of my day.) Unfortunately, I have had dairy issues since my mid-20s, and if I eat pizza, I face dire consequences. (That part isn’t just a dream – I really do have dairy issues.) So, in the dream, I was desperate enough to have pizza that I peeled off the cheese and ate what was left. It was mostly crust. It was pretty bland.
Then I woke up. And as I laid there, thinking, “Ahhh, piiiiizzzaaaaaaaa… I miss you so much…” I suddenly realized, it was just a dream! I could have eaten the whole pizza and never suffered!