I’ll be honest with you: I haven’t been blogging much lately because I don’t feel like I have much smart stuff to say right now. But since I claim to be all about authenticity, and showing up as I am without regret, then I better walk the walk.
It’s been 19 months now since I left my 6-figure job in oil and gas. I left that job without any other source of income lined up, or even a clear thought about what to do with my life. I knew I needed to get away to clear my head, get my soul back and start a new life. I had some savings, paid-up lines of credit and investments to live off of, and a glowing feeling in my heart that I was following my destiny.
All that is gone now.
Right now, I am in the “desert.” Not the awesome fun-filled desert of Burning Man, but the desert where people wander until they forget their old identity, forget their past, and gradually let everything go, except that one thread of faith in a higher power. I’m at a point now where I’m even forgetting my future. I’m willing to let go of who I’d hoped to be, because I’m not sure any more who that person is.
The other day I called up an agency about a job doing what I used to do: contracts administration in oil and gas. It was posted as a 3-month temporary position. I’m not sure I could commit to anything much longer than that. I’m not an employee. At least, not a long-term employee.
I have met some amazing people in my new circles of friends. Healers, actors, ravers, hippies, Burners, psychics, teachers, speakers, bloggers, authors. And in one way or another, I am all of those things myself. I have become so much more than I used to be – or at least, I have uncovered aspects of myself that I never knew I had until I left the security of full-time employment.
I don’t know if I’ll get this job I applied for. I have barely begun looking to see what else is out there. I had put off the job search until the last possible minute, always hoping for the deus ex machina to come and reward me for all the hard work I’ve done over the last year and a half – writing, studying, setting up businesses (mine and someone else’s), always learning, always growing, attending and planning workshops and seminars, traveling, working, coaching people, and spending all my money with only a trickle of pocket change coming back.
I know something will work out, but I’m not sure what yet. I just can’t keep going in this desert, wandering around in circles. I have to move forward.
I have been getting some very positive feedback from friends and other readers that they really appreciate what I have to say on this blog. I am charting a course where few have gone before – leaving behind the corporate world, studying to be an intuitive healer and spiritual advisor, and writing down my findings as I go.
Some days I wonder what it all means – if any of it has had any real impact out there. I have to believe that it has.
I have to keep moving forward.
I’m not giving up.
And yet… Right now, I need to surrender – surrender my expectations for specific outcomes, surrender my belief that somehow I’m special, surrender my image as an coach, surrender my plans to write a book – just surrender, let it all go, and be right here, right now.
Tomorrow, I will get up and I will do something. I don’t know what yet. Tomorrow evening I have a workshop that I am co-facilitating. I will do that.
And then, we’ll see.