Still Waking Up

It’s that time again – time to take a look at how far I’ve come and where I need to go. Performance reviews are coming up in the next couple weeks.

The answer to the first question is easy: I’ve come a long ways, but probably not far enough to keep up with the demands of the job. The answer to the second question isn’t so easy. I don’t really know where I’m going.

There are possibilities. I’ve started teaching seminars here, and I’m enjoying it. I’ve only done a couple so far, but I have lots of potential to teach more. Not very many people around here are interested in doing that, and they need more people. But since it is not directly related to my regular job in Contracts, I’m not sure how supportive my boss will be in allowing me to develop that potential. His job is to groom me as a Contracts Administrator, and that’s not the person I am at heart.

And who am I, at heart?

That’s the big question. I’m still digging through the layers on that one.

Sorry you haven’t heard from me much lately. Not much to say.

I don’t think I’ll go back to Burning Man this year. I’ve been thinking about last year’s experience, and what I could do differently this year, and it’s just not coming together for me. The other night when I got together with the local Burners, I felt like I didn’t fit in with that crowd. I never quite felt like I fit in with them in the first place, but I thought it was because I was new. Somehow I doubt that I will ever belong there.

Maybe I’ll just take a vacation in the tropics in April.

In other exciting news, I rearranged my furniture yesterday. In some ways it works, in other ways it doesn’t. Maybe it’s time for another housewarming.

Well, it’s off to another wonderful week in the world of construction contracts.

It’s Monday. It’s been a long week.

It’s a sign I need a change when I leave work at the end of the day, cross the street, and think, “If that car hits me, I won’t have to come in to work tomorrow.” And it feels tempting.

I got home from work and just wanted to vent. But I live alone. No one here to vent to. Not even a dog. I looked at my phone and wondered who to call. Everyone is too busy these days. I left a couple messages. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I lack sufficient support in my life. I’m going to have to do something about that. Not sure what yet.

And now I’m venting to the Internet. Hello, Internet. Ask me how my day went. Go on, ask me.

Okay, never mind.

Today, I experienced some parking lot karma. It was strange but beautiful. This story begins badly but ends well, I assure you.

I was at the University of Calgary to meet up with a friend and visit the museum. I got there just in time, and pulled up to the gate at the parking lot to get my pass.

As usual, there was no parking lot attendant (nobody can afford one in this hot economy), and the sign directed everyone to use the automated payment machine. I stuck my credit card in. Nothing happened. I hit a button. It asked me to wait. It said “Transaction Completed” but then didn’t print anything out.

I tried the other machine. It told me my card was unreadable. I don’t think it tried very hard. I went back to the first machine. I hit a button first this time. Nothing happened. I stuck my credit card all the way in this time. I guess I didn’t hit the sweet spot the first time. But again, it said “Transaction Completed” and didn’t print anything out.

Repeat this cycle a few more times. Not sure how many. Different combinations of card entry and button-pushing. It’s quite possible that the machine billed my card 5 or 6 times. It’s also possible that it failed to do anything at all.

I tried calling the HELP line. It was an automated system that told me the staff was gone for the weekend, but if I wanted any information on hours of service or lot locations, I could proceed to hit some buttons, and a friendly tape recorder would tell me everything that I didn’t need to hear just then. I knew the hours of service: none at all. I knew the lot location: I was standing in one.

The next guy pulled in. Similar troubles. Except his card got stuck in the machine and the machine wouldn’t give it back for a while. (I later saw him retrieve it somehow.)

Yes, I realize this story is getting long, but I promise it has a happy ending.

Anyway, I pulled into the lot, and wrote a note to put on my dashboard, about how the machines didn’t work, there was no lot attendant or working phone line, and would the Enforcer please call my cell phone before issuing a ticket? (You can bet, that if they can’t afford any staff to assist customers, they can always afford a guy to write up violations.)

Then I decided to give the Machines one last chance. I tried both Machines again. They both failed me again.

As I stood there wondering how I would ever come to the end of this long and sordid saga of pain and heartbreak, the Karma drove up. It was a guy leaving the lot.

“You want a ticket?” he asked, and waved a validated pass out the window. It was good until evening, but it was only 2:00 and he was leaving.

“Sure,” I responded. “The machines aren’t working.”

“Ya, I know,” he said. “We had to get this from the other lot.”

And so Craig Martin found his parking pass after all, and he placed it lovingly on his dash, and he went to the museum exhibit and lived happily ever after.

Ah, and now you’re wondering, how is this “karma”? What did Craig ever do to deserve this saving grace from a stranger?

The truth is, I did the same thing for someone else a week ago, on New Year’s Eve. (Hold your applause to the end, please.) I parked at a downtown lot that used to be $3 for an evening (before the Boom); it’s now $10 for the evening. And when I was done there, around 10:00pm, I took the ticket (good overnight) and put it back into the dispenser for the next patron to use, free of charge. It didn’t cost me a cent, but it saved someone else $10. Take that, Imperial Parking bastards.

And it was perfectly legal. Why do the parking police not try to stop this terrible behaviour of providing free parking to other patrons? Because they don’t expect it. Why would someone do something that does not profit them? Would a human being perform a selfless act for strangers without expecting anything in return? In the mindset of a parking lot owner, the answer is definitely “no.”

Okay, maybe I’m a little cynical about the Imperial Forces (aka, Impark). They’re just trying to make a buck. We’re all in business to make money. The market allows $10 to park, so they take it. So be it. It is the will of Allah.

But (hehe) it is the will of Craig that grace should prevail from time to time. And so I would encourage everyone, when you are done parking and you have a validated pass that is still good for several hours hence, put it back for someone else to use.

And so let us all share and be happy.

Amen.

I just finished watching a movie about how everything is connected and we’re all part of the fabric of the universe. It starred Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin and Jude Law and Jason Schwartsman and a few others (including the very yummy Naomi Watts). I can’t bring myself to type the name because it’s one of those stupid titles that uses a symbol instead of a real word. If I had a friggin valentine on my keyboard I’d tell you what the name is.

Anyway, all that aside, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the interconnectedness of everything, and how we’re all really Energy and Spirit, etc., and that the physical forms we interact with every day are just illusions.

Some days, I don’t know what to think. I feel disconnected. I feel like I don’t fit in. I feel like no one understands me and I don’t understand anyone else. And I’m sure lots of people feel the same way. But then I think, ya, that’s all part of the illusion, too. My feelings are just illusions.

Can I accept that? Can I accept that there are important things, like my feelings and my beliefs about reality, things that make up who I am – that these things are just illusions? That I am just an illusion?

Who am I, really?

And the question that the movie asked, that I still don’t get, is:

How am I not myself?

Can anyone explain that last question to me?