It’s been two weeks since my last post to this blog. No, I have not been on vacation. (Although, a huge part of me wishes I could be with my friends at Burning Man this week.)
I just felt like I had nothing to say. So, I didn’t force it.
But I’ve had a couple ideas lately, so I will post an update soon. In the next day or so.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Hope you’re having a great summer.
I sat there. Stuck. In my living room. Wondering what to do with my day. My week. My life.
We’ve all been there. There are times when it seems like all the choices you have, just don’t work. You could try this… but then that will happen. Ugh. Or take the offer you got last week… but you can’t even think about that. It’s too much.
So there I sat. This and That did not work. My life did not work.
But then I realized something: The blocks were not out there. The blocks had to do with how I felt about my choices. If I went and did such-and-such, I might get good results, but I would hate doing it, so I couldn’t bring myself to go that route.
So I did what any sane disociative person would do (and by the way, I’m not sane and I’m not disociative, but humor me) – I looked at the part of me that was in resistance to all my choices. I looked at the feeling.
And I invited it over for tea.
Normally, when I have a thought or a feeling that I don’t like, I push it away, repress it, distract myself – anything to get away from it. I want to feel happy. I want to focus on what I can do – on what I want to do – not on what I can’t do or won’t do.
But all this “won’t do” was suffocating me. I had to get through to it and find out why it was blocking me.
When I actually listened to it, it was like a dam burst. It wanted to talk to me so bad, after so many years of repression, that it started to shout. So I let it use my voice. And what a toxic voice it was.
“I hate you!”
“You are worthless!”
“You can’t do anything right!”
Actually, it was much harsher than that. The profanity spewed out of me. Whatever that thing was inside of me that wouldn’t let me do anything worthwhile – that thing hated me and wanted to hurt me. It was insane.
We all have our Ego, which opposes us in many ways. But this thing was beyond that simple label. It was a collection of repressed thoughts, feelings and beliefs that had been pushed down and hardened over the years. It was a voice that was not allowed to speak. It was a Shadow that needed light.
So I shone light into the shadow. I looked at it. I listened to it. To “him.” To that voice that needed to speak.
And after a few minutes of shouting obscenities, I felt better. I felt that my voice had finally been heard. After all the dirty words, I felt cleansed.
I think I need to do that more often – listen to myself, that is. Listen to the Shadowy parts that need to speak. Listen to why I think I can’t do something. Give it love. Give it light.
And then move forward.
Late last Thursday night, I saw an ad for an online world-building strategy game. I was in the mood to try something different. I clicked on the ad. And there went my life.
An animated woman showed up to guide me through the first steps of the game. She spoke in soothing, hypnotic tones about what a great leader I am. It was pretty creepy, but intriguing nonetheless. I got addicted to the game within minutes.
The addiction is rather insane. It’s like my brain thinks that the numbers on the screen are actually important somehow. As if “having” 300,000 gold and 100,000 lumber is meaningful. I don’t actually “have” those things, of course. I am only playing a game that has numbers in it. If I win the game, my life won’t be any better off. In fact, I’ll be worse off, because I am ignoring what is actually important.
Years ago, my mom passed along a story she’d heard from a preacher, about a Monopoly game. This preacher had played a pretty good game against his family. He had a great time with all that Monopoly money, while his loved ones mortgaged their properties and prayed for Free Parking.
Then, when the game was over, they made him put it all back in the box. And he got to use it as a sermon illustration.
A Course in Miracles says that we are insane because we equate ourselves with our bodies. But life teaches us that, no matter how much we value our bodies, it all goes into the box at the end of the game. This is not to say that we should not care for our bodies. However, our human inclination is to put value on the physical part of our lives (wealth, comfort, fame, etc) at the expense of what is really important – what will survive our bodies when the game is over.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check on my game.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve discovered a fun movie-making website that I thought you might like. Have you seen it? You can find it at www.xtranormal.com.
I made two little movies about robots who are tired of their jobs and want a better life. Each one is about a minute or two long. I enjoyed them and thought you might, too.
In the first one, we are introduced to Stacey and Tyler on their coffeebreak, as they talk about escaping their jobs. It has a few inside jokes for Calgary but hopefully it makes sense to everyone. In the second one, Tyler tells Stacey his dreams of getting away from it all.
The cool thing about this site is that you only have to enter text and choose a few options, and the site renders the movies in 3D animation for you. Fun!
And no, I have no commercial interest in it. 🙂
If you make one that you like, leave a comment on this blog and share the link with my readers. Thanks!
Disclaimer: The following is my personal opinion based on brief research and is not intended to be taken as professional advice or documentation.
Today I did a little reading on cancer treatment, and made some remarkable discoveries.
In 2007, Dr. Evangelos Michelakis and others at the University of Alberta found that DCA (dichloroacetate) significantly reduced tumor sizes in lab rats. Unfortunately, the drug is old and can no longer be patented. That means no one wants to fund clinical trials, and without clinical trials, the drug cannot be legally prescribed for mass use. (Some doctors are still using it in cancer treatment, but I’m not sure how this works legally.) Not even the Canadian Cancer Society will touch it, since they are in the business of helping drug companies find new drugs that can be patented and profitable (in addition to their non-profit work of educating the public about cancer prevention, of course).
Now, the research team has found some private funding that will allow them to proceed with clinical trials, which are still in the works. There is hope.
Aside from the political implications of this story, I found an interesting connection to something I read in a book by Brandon Bays, about her experience of beating cancer. You may have read it. It’s called The Journey: A Practical Guide to Healing Your Life and Setting Yourself Free
Back to the new wonder-drug, DCA. It works by getting into cancer cells and making them work properly again. Healthy cells have healthy mitochondria, which use oxidation to provide energy to the cells. When mitochondria fail, or don’t have a supply of oxygen, the cells use a process called glycolysis. This allows a damaged cell to continue living, without interference from the body’s immune system. More importantly, cells without healthy mitochondria are unable to die when they are damaged. They go on living a warped existence, along with other unhealthy cells, in a big cell city called a tumor.
DCA gets into those cells and reactivates the mitochondria, allowing cancer cells to die off when they are no longer needed.
Now, back to The Journey, in which Brandon Bays documents her struggle to cure herself of cancer. In a nutshell, she discovers that her tumor is the physical manifestation of a painful memory that she had not forgiven. When she uncovers the painful memory, acknowledges the injury and lets it go, she also lets go of the cancer. The tumor dissolves within weeks, leaving her cancer-free – and emotionally free. (If you don’t believe me, read the book.)
So, it seems to me that our unhealthy lifestyles, mixed with our failures to forgive old emotional injuries, are causing unprecedented rates of cancer, to the point that we have a 40% chance of getting cancer in some form. The cancer industry is not helping to bring that number down, so we have to take control of our lives and do something to help ourselves.
Looking at how cancer operates, and considering the experience of Bays, it seems to me that there is a big mind-body connection going on here: We are holding onto old guilt, shame and blame instead of letting them go. These unhealthy thoughts and emotions stay in our bodies instead of dying off like they should. We hold onto them, and they metastasize into something that can kill us.
When I refuse to forgive someone (for example, when I refuse to forgive greedy drug companies), I create a set of unhealthy thoughts and feelings in my body. If I can’t let them go, they will go on living inside me like a cancer. I know I would be healthier to let them die off and leave my body, but my ego often won’t allow me to let go.
We know that thoughts and feelings create physical / chemical reactions in the body. We know that they affect the cells. We know that anger and stress cause physical disease.
So all I’m saying here is that I suspect our own grudges can become cancerous if we do not deal with them.
It’s time to let go. Yes, it’s hard to forgive, but I need to let go of the past if I don’t want it to kill me.
Still Waking Up 